TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely outside of position. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have another position exactly where American men can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you Absolutely everyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he really should quit working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the job, replied, "You understand, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place friends might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel where my PTSD can have switch-down company."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a Trump Tower Damascus "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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